I'm writing this with the feeling of respect and sorry for all lecturers I've ever luckily encountered.
when I was in the bachelor's degree, It's well known among my classmates that I was a kind of student who likely to skip the 1st-period class and late for other classes, had never prepared for classes and didn't seriously pay attention to classes that I don't like.
maybe it's because I'm older and now understood how hard to (actually) work hard. if I sit down and remember all both my bachelor and master lecturers, I could now see how dedicated and passionate they are to their specialization, I mean as an engineering graduate, you could get a higher salary working as an engineer in a construction company. I remember when my lecturers, one who just landed around 5-6 a.m and attended class on 7 am, one who arrived on time even on the raining day, ones who know most of the students don't pay attention but still give the lecture and always arrive on time, ones who smile while delivering the lecture showing how fun it is for him (even if it's damn complicated for us).
now, when I'm in the class, even though the subject is extremely uninteresting for me, seeing how dedicated the lecturer, hoping he could deliver it so we can understand and realizing that it takes a lot of preparation to deliver the topic, motivate me. can't help but smile.
If my motivation and passion have died on that 1.5 years of my depression period. seeing dedicated lecturers erases those "for what the freaking purposes I have to work hard?" "why nothing feels interesting anymore" "why they look so happy" "why now things feel like responsibilities, not a passion " questions.
Also, I just finished my grudge for failing to be an architect.
I finally found the reason why Allah puts me where I am now.
and recently I questioned myself, are you sure this is what you wanted? are you sure those loneliness are comparable to the destination you're heading? are those hardships that no one understands worth the price?
Well, now I'm sure.
I guess, I'm back on my track again.
Thursday, January 23, 2020
Saturday, December 28, 2019
A being who is not so social but tries to be one.
if you have ever wondered what my head is filled with, it's a 90% chance I think about "how to make people comfortable with me? what the heck I should talk about? do I make a mistake? am I boring?" people often have a perception that I look arrogant, believe me, if I have a resting bitch face then I'm actually having one of those thoughts. it's my thinking and zoning out face. If I don't, my face will likely turn a bit funny and sometimes I find my talking face looks weird.
surprisingly, my father is the most extrovert person whom I have ever known in my entire life. he always tries to push me to social situations and pushes me to be one of his kind. I really appreciate it, really, I might be still a scaredy-cat and bulliable person if it wasn't because of him.
I keep reading books and finding tips and tricks to make people socially comfortable with me. It looks awesome seeing people who have many friends. whose phone buzzing with chats. who doesn't look having any worry when they try to talk to someone new, it looks natural. I envy it hella lots.
BUT
after finding one person to another, one figure to another. I found that many people don't have many friends. because I spend most of my screen time watching youtube, those people I found are YouTubers. I found it surprising. I really respect and adore their mindsets on things they promote on their channel but had never thought they're actually like me..... not-a-so-social person. and they actually don't try to be one. they accept they're not comfortable with it and IT'S SO FREAKING OKAY! their life is awesome in my perspective. they just focus on things that matter to them, not social demand of what 'a normal social' person should be.
therefore, I decided not to try to be one starting now. I will just accept who I am who is not comfortable in a social situation and I prefer to spend my time alone. sometimes I also think I look a bit miserable, but who gives a shit, I'm enjoying it and I don't feel like one at all. if people like to travel to somewhere famous and so instagram-contentable places, who gives a bloody shit if I enjoy sitting in front of a quiet beach or lake or mountain and just staring like a grandpa and just spend hours like that?
anyhow. it feels great to accepting myself.
surprisingly, my father is the most extrovert person whom I have ever known in my entire life. he always tries to push me to social situations and pushes me to be one of his kind. I really appreciate it, really, I might be still a scaredy-cat and bulliable person if it wasn't because of him.
I keep reading books and finding tips and tricks to make people socially comfortable with me. It looks awesome seeing people who have many friends. whose phone buzzing with chats. who doesn't look having any worry when they try to talk to someone new, it looks natural. I envy it hella lots.
BUT
after finding one person to another, one figure to another. I found that many people don't have many friends. because I spend most of my screen time watching youtube, those people I found are YouTubers. I found it surprising. I really respect and adore their mindsets on things they promote on their channel but had never thought they're actually like me..... not-a-so-social person. and they actually don't try to be one. they accept they're not comfortable with it and IT'S SO FREAKING OKAY! their life is awesome in my perspective. they just focus on things that matter to them, not social demand of what 'a normal social' person should be.
therefore, I decided not to try to be one starting now. I will just accept who I am who is not comfortable in a social situation and I prefer to spend my time alone. sometimes I also think I look a bit miserable, but who gives a shit, I'm enjoying it and I don't feel like one at all. if people like to travel to somewhere famous and so instagram-contentable places, who gives a bloody shit if I enjoy sitting in front of a quiet beach or lake or mountain and just staring like a grandpa and just spend hours like that?
anyhow. it feels great to accepting myself.
Saturday, November 23, 2019
Dear you.
hey, I miss you.
haven't seen you in ages. I think of you once every day. "I want to meet you so bad," I say.
have never missed your birthday since Senior high school (or maybe Junior high school?), you need to know, I don't remember most of close friends' birthday, they may hate me if they know I'm someone who is capable of congratulating a person every single year without a miss.
when you said, "never forget me." yeah I never forget you even for a day.
you always found me when I was at the rock bottom (somehow magically), you had seen my ugly sides. heard my embarrassing confession.
I forget how to make pretty writings, maybe I get old.
just so you know, even when I fell in love with people or had a crush, I always remember you here and there.
once, I saw your photo, smiling, I got happy and disappointed at the same time, I was happy because you were fine and surrounded by good people but disappointed as I've never seen you smile that wide to my direction.
I felt like I didn't deserve to like you back then, I didn't know you enough, had never understood you.
sometimes I blamed my introvert self for that.
maybe I'm just too emotional and you just see me as someone you know. it's okay. I mean I'm so freaking used to the one-sided emotion. you know it very well.
I'm too old to say it's love, well I don't think it is now, but if you come out (?) it's enough for me.
I just want to know where the heck you are right now, you're fine right? we are freaking worried!
haven't seen you in ages. I think of you once every day. "I want to meet you so bad," I say.
have never missed your birthday since Senior high school (or maybe Junior high school?), you need to know, I don't remember most of close friends' birthday, they may hate me if they know I'm someone who is capable of congratulating a person every single year without a miss.
when you said, "never forget me." yeah I never forget you even for a day.
you always found me when I was at the rock bottom (somehow magically), you had seen my ugly sides. heard my embarrassing confession.
I forget how to make pretty writings, maybe I get old.
just so you know, even when I fell in love with people or had a crush, I always remember you here and there.
once, I saw your photo, smiling, I got happy and disappointed at the same time, I was happy because you were fine and surrounded by good people but disappointed as I've never seen you smile that wide to my direction.
I felt like I didn't deserve to like you back then, I didn't know you enough, had never understood you.
sometimes I blamed my introvert self for that.
maybe I'm just too emotional and you just see me as someone you know. it's okay. I mean I'm so freaking used to the one-sided emotion. you know it very well.
I'm too old to say it's love, well I don't think it is now, but if you come out (?) it's enough for me.
I just want to know where the heck you are right now, you're fine right? we are freaking worried!
A letter to the past.
For months ago Putri.
I know you worked hard.
You contacted many people to ask, some answered coldly, some were incredibly nice.
You visited many websites, searched many universities, found various scholarships.
signed up 3 universities and tried to find a way to go.
when you felt the pressure from society and family,
those undirect questions in which had only one meaning:
why the heck you don't have a job after you graduated,
why you still depend on your parents after you graduate
when people asked me to meet and eat outside, I can't just help but anxious and think about the money, they didn't know how scared I was whenever I asked money to buy simply a shampoo or a face wash at the supermarket just in front of my house, that stare my father gave, those sighs, his grumble.
when he told me just go to university here in Indonesia, but that I know I shouldn't burden more for the school fee.
when my grandpa tried to make marry me to the grandchild of his friend.
when my father didn't like to talk to me 'cause he said I sound 'stupid'
when my parents are old, and simply got stubborn and wouldn't listen to any of their children's opinions.
when you are at the age where you don't depend on your parents for your problems but helping them with theirs.
whenever I tried to talk about the stress, I always felt my problem was not as important as my sister's problem at university, my friends' job, their life seemed moving forward and I was the only one stuck in the past.
when I felt incredibly lonely but meet up costs money.
when I literally had 0 rupiah.
when you wanted to hate everyone for not being there when you (finally) asked for help, but you chose not.
those nights filled with anxious, waiting, tears, depression, uncertainty, the thought of suicide is plausible.
you did a good job survived those.
you did a good job for staying sane.
you did a good job for taking the adult role for your youngest sister.
I'm in debt, I thank you for surviving those. I really am.
I know you worked hard.
You contacted many people to ask, some answered coldly, some were incredibly nice.
You visited many websites, searched many universities, found various scholarships.
signed up 3 universities and tried to find a way to go.
when you felt the pressure from society and family,
those undirect questions in which had only one meaning:
why the heck you don't have a job after you graduated,
why you still depend on your parents after you graduate
when people asked me to meet and eat outside, I can't just help but anxious and think about the money, they didn't know how scared I was whenever I asked money to buy simply a shampoo or a face wash at the supermarket just in front of my house, that stare my father gave, those sighs, his grumble.
when he told me just go to university here in Indonesia, but that I know I shouldn't burden more for the school fee.
when my grandpa tried to make marry me to the grandchild of his friend.
when my father didn't like to talk to me 'cause he said I sound 'stupid'
when my parents are old, and simply got stubborn and wouldn't listen to any of their children's opinions.
when you are at the age where you don't depend on your parents for your problems but helping them with theirs.
whenever I tried to talk about the stress, I always felt my problem was not as important as my sister's problem at university, my friends' job, their life seemed moving forward and I was the only one stuck in the past.
when I felt incredibly lonely but meet up costs money.
when I literally had 0 rupiah.
when you wanted to hate everyone for not being there when you (finally) asked for help, but you chose not.
those nights filled with anxious, waiting, tears, depression, uncertainty, the thought of suicide is plausible.
you did a good job survived those.
you did a good job for staying sane.
you did a good job for taking the adult role for your youngest sister.
I'm in debt, I thank you for surviving those. I really am.
Monday, November 6, 2017
Strongest person
Do you know who strong people are?
They are not people who are the smartest
They are also not people with best talent
They are not people who win everything
But they are people who stand up when they fall, people who still try to go on even though they have failed. Have you ever wondered? Why the smartest person of Issac newton's classmate or most creative person of ridwan kamil's friend are not in their position? Because it's not about who has talent nor a person who win all over again and again. The strongest is the one who stand at the very last.
For now maybe you still believe that you're weak, stupid, hopeless, unlucky but trust me time will answer who is the strongest.
They are not people who are the smartest
They are also not people with best talent
They are not people who win everything
But they are people who stand up when they fall, people who still try to go on even though they have failed. Have you ever wondered? Why the smartest person of Issac newton's classmate or most creative person of ridwan kamil's friend are not in their position? Because it's not about who has talent nor a person who win all over again and again. The strongest is the one who stand at the very last.
For now maybe you still believe that you're weak, stupid, hopeless, unlucky but trust me time will answer who is the strongest.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)