if you have ever wondered what my head is filled with, it's a 90% chance I think about "how to make people comfortable with me? what the heck I should talk about? do I make a mistake? am I boring?" people often have a perception that I look arrogant, believe me, if I have a resting bitch face then I'm actually having one of those thoughts. it's my thinking and zoning out face. If I don't, my face will likely turn a bit funny and sometimes I find my talking face looks weird.
surprisingly, my father is the most extrovert person whom I have ever known in my entire life. he always tries to push me to social situations and pushes me to be one of his kind. I really appreciate it, really, I might be still a scaredy-cat and bulliable person if it wasn't because of him.
I keep reading books and finding tips and tricks to make people socially comfortable with me. It looks awesome seeing people who have many friends. whose phone buzzing with chats. who doesn't look having any worry when they try to talk to someone new, it looks natural. I envy it hella lots.
BUT
after finding one person to another, one figure to another. I found that many people don't have many friends. because I spend most of my screen time watching youtube, those people I found are YouTubers. I found it surprising. I really respect and adore their mindsets on things they promote on their channel but had never thought they're actually like me..... not-a-so-social person. and they actually don't try to be one. they accept they're not comfortable with it and IT'S SO FREAKING OKAY! their life is awesome in my perspective. they just focus on things that matter to them, not social demand of what 'a normal social' person should be.
therefore, I decided not to try to be one starting now. I will just accept who I am who is not comfortable in a social situation and I prefer to spend my time alone. sometimes I also think I look a bit miserable, but who gives a shit, I'm enjoying it and I don't feel like one at all. if people like to travel to somewhere famous and so instagram-contentable places, who gives a bloody shit if I enjoy sitting in front of a quiet beach or lake or mountain and just staring like a grandpa and just spend hours like that?
anyhow. it feels great to accepting myself.
