A letter to the past.

For months ago Putri.

I know you worked hard.
You contacted many people to ask, some answered coldly, some were incredibly nice.
You visited many websites, searched many universities, found various scholarships.
signed up 3 universities and tried to find a way to go.

when you felt the pressure from society and family,
those undirect questions in which had only one meaning:
why the heck you don't have a job after you graduated,
why you still depend on your parents after you graduate

when people asked me to meet and eat outside, I can't just help but anxious and think about the money, they didn't know how scared I was whenever I asked money to buy simply a shampoo or a face wash at the supermarket just in front of my house, that stare my father gave, those sighs, his grumble.
when he told me just go to university here in Indonesia, but that I know I shouldn't burden more for the school fee.

when my grandpa tried to make marry me to the grandchild of his friend.

when my father didn't like to talk to me 'cause he said I sound 'stupid'

when my parents are old, and simply got stubborn and wouldn't listen to any of their children's opinions.

when you are at the age where you don't depend on your parents for your problems but helping them with theirs.

whenever I tried to talk about the stress, I always felt my problem was not as important as my sister's problem at university, my friends' job, their life seemed moving forward and I was the only one stuck in the past.

when I felt incredibly lonely but meet up costs money.

when I literally had 0 rupiah.

when you wanted to hate everyone for not being there when you (finally) asked for help, but you chose not.

those nights filled with anxious, waiting, tears, depression, uncertainty, the thought of suicide is plausible.


you did a good job survived those.
you did a good job for staying sane.
you did a good job for taking the adult role for your youngest sister.

I'm in debt, I thank you for surviving those. I really am.